Poetry of Lilly Katherine Grier

2003-03-26T17:26:00.000-05:00

Two

Two in one
Both come undone
One speaks
as the other seeks

One searches to find
the other to leave behind
One wants to run
the other to hide
Both want all to stop
fearing the future
when mixed with the past

Soon they will end it
The fight
the struggle
against eachother
against life
against everyone
and themselves
Two can not live
in one mind
it’s only a matter of time

2003-03-26T17:25:00.000-05:00

REMEMBER

Remember those we have lost
Lost to death
Lost to life
Remember those who were once there
but who are now gone
Perhaps from our sight
Perhaps not
Remember those who touched our lives
Even for a short time
Remember everyone we meet
Changes are lives
Forever
and make us
Who we are and
Will be
Remember
Don’t forget
Keep the memories close
the good
the bad
the everyday things
Remember how it is
They touched your life
What they meant then
What they mean now
Never forget
To forget is to lose them forever
To remember is to keep a part of them
in your heart
with you
and never completely lose them

2003-03-26T17:23:00.001-05:00

Good Luck

Good luck with life
Despite the bad
Happiness will always come
There will always be someone who cares
Someone who loves you
Someone who would do anything for you
Joy will come
Good will outweigh bad
When you are lost
There will be someone there
To find you
And bring you back

Good luck with life
Remember never to give up
Don’t lose hope
Don’t lose faith
Don’t lose what is most important
To you
Forget what other people say
It’s what your heart says
That matters most

Good luck with life
Memories will always be there
Good and bad
Memories are what make us
Who we are
Feelings
Thoughts
People
Make those memories
Never forget anyone
For everyone is important
People also help make us
Who we are
Everyone we meet
Adds something to us
We keep a piece of everyone
With us

Good luck with life
See it through
Remember those who have gone
Before you
What their death teaches you
But most of all
What their life has taught you

2003-03-26T17:23:00.000-05:00

Find Me

Wish I could
just not deal
take a break

not fight
not heal
not work
not do anything
just be

no worries
no cares
no sickness
no mind games
no hurt
no pain

That’s all I need
To find me

Nothing

Nothing inside
Everything to hide

Make them see
Make them believe
Hope they find me

All is lost
Time to pay the cost
Find the end
Find the answer
Find the truth

A way out
To make it stop
Anything
Anything

Please
Let me out

2003-03-26T17:22:00.000-05:00

Under the Spell

Doesn’t make sense
Jumbles
Mumbles
Nothing there
Everything there
Can’t say it
Can’t think it
Can’t make it go away
Under the spell of confusion

Tears me apart
Holds me down
Beats me up
Fight it
Run from it
Hope to beat it
Never can
Under the spell of sickness

Kills me
So bad
Causes tears
Causes screams
Causes cuts and burns
Blood
Pills
Crashes
Hurts so much
Fire inside
Under the spell of pain

Make it stop
Make it go away
Find me
Help me
Save me
But you can’t
I’m lost
Under the spell

Death

Walk towards it
Drawn
Know what it will do
Know it will end everything
Forever
No going back
Welcome it
With open arms
Finally
Finally
No pain
End

Fire burns
burn me
Water drowns
drown me
Slashes bleed
take my blood
Pills poison
destroy me
Cars crash
slam me
Ropes hang
strangle me
Windows jump
smash me

All death
All pain
Kill me

2003-03-26T17:14:00.000-05:00

See Ignore
Sound your victory cheer
She’s here
You won

See what you want
Ignore the rest

She’s here
But she’s gone

She’s tired
Wants to leave
Wants to rest
Wants an end

See what you want
Ignore the rest

You keep her
When she’s in pain

She fights
for you
Suffers
for you
Not for her

See what you want
Ignore the rest

She can only live for you
Try for you
For so long
Soon she’ll be gone

So see what you want
Ignore the rest
And say good bye
While you can

Dreams
Dreams can be real
Dreams can be dreams
They can haunt you
They can defy you
Dreams
Are things of fear
of hope
of faith
of anger
of feelings hidden beneath
They come from your mind
They come from your heart
They come from your fears
They come from your tears
Dreams can be happy
Or they can make you afraid
They can help you sleep
or keep you awake
Dreams are something
Of so many things
Good
Bad
Pleasant
Despairing
Things beyond words
for things that one dreams
there are no words describe
They’re never complete
The dreams or the words
They simply
just never
seem
to
end

MIND
There’s a world in my head
That nobody sees
Only I can feel it
Only I can see it
It haunts me
It guides me
It does not abide me
It lives on it's own
Yet we live as one
It is the future
It is the past
It is now
It is what never was
and never will be
It is I
yet it's another
It’s emotions
It’s thoughts
It’s time
It’s fears
It’s hopes
It’s dreams
It’s all that I’m not
and all that I am
It can harm me
It can help me
Maybe one day
it will over take me
and finally it will be
Not we
But me

No Title
Never really got
to say good bye
You’re gone
Always thought
you’d be there
with me
Never thought
I’d lose you
you meant so much
Recall all the memories
the laughter
and tears
All the jokes
good times
and bad
run through my mind
You’re gone
Pain breaks my heart
tears stain my face
Didn’t get to say it
but must say it now
Good bye
accept it cause

You’re gone

Stop-Slip
stop
slip
Dream
fall

remember
Hurt
forget it all

good bye
too hard
Can’t hold on
it’s already gone

time
pass
Less pain
at last

but can’t
see time
Blind
try to climb

stopped
slipped
Dreamt
fell

try to forget
It ends
that’s all

Re-Deal
Let go
No refrain
It’s gone
Only pain

Step back
Stop the fall
It’s gone
Hit the wall

Scream
Cry
Start to heal

Let it back
Bad move
You’ll only have
To learn again
Re-deal

Untitled
Light shines
through darkness
Who I was fades
As I become who I am
Memories that once brought pain
Now bring smiles or remembrance
Past pain dulls
Present happiness brightens
I’m finally me
I’m happy to be

Untitled
It’s been so long
sometimes I forget
how to laugh
smile
be happy
I worry that
it’s all a dream
one day I’ll wake up
the pain sadness and sorrow
will be back
So far
despite some moments here or there
The depression’s gone
Slowly
I’m opening up
Re learning
what happiness means
how to accept to know
who I am
Every day’s a struggle
but I make it through
Finally
I’m me

2003-03-25T22:14:00.000-05:00

Take a breath
Count to three
and I'll be gone

Take a good look
for when you blink
I'll be gone

Trun away for just a moment
I'll be gone

Count to three one more time
there goes the memories

2003-03-25T22:12:00.000-05:00

Take my hand
Feel how cold
There is no life anymore
Death is there
Just around the corner
It grabs at me
Grips my mind
Beckons me
I grow cold
Soon I will freeze

2003-03-25T22:10:00.000-05:00

Look into my eyes
see the pain that lies inside
see the emptiness
where once lied promise and dreams
once there was a friend there
now there's just hollow dull emptiness
waiting to die

2003-03-24T23:49:00.000-05:00

Trapped
Confusion
Pain
Endless misery

Cut once
Twice
Thrice
Deep
Deep
Deeper

Veins split
Crack
Splat

Pain on the outside
Tears on the outside
Thank god for once not inside

Blood
Bloodier
Gushing
Not stopping

One pill
Two pill
Three pill
Handfull or ten more

Out go the lights
Eternal night

2003-03-24T23:39:00.000-05:00

lifeless body floating in the lake
skin ice blue
eyes wide and blank
empty shell of what was
hair swirls around
bloated face
no bubbles above
blood swirls around
veins split in two
gouged deep
feet caught in seaweed
soon to sink
all will be gone

2003-03-23T22:57:00.000-05:00

The cage sits
door tightly shut
rusty metal bars
no light
no key
no air
no room to move

Huddling in the corner
No feathers
Bent beak
Clipped wings
Blind folded
Perched on a dusty bar
A noose around its neck

Sqeeking quietly in dispear
Wanting to sing
Wanting to fly

Somewhere far off
A clock strikes

Freedom rings

2003-03-23T22:21:00.000-05:00

Going insane
Head screaming
Mind flaming
Heart raging
Anger blazing
Wanting an end
Begging forgiveness
Time will not bend
Death by my own hand
Screaming till the very last
Tears finally dry
Final sweet good bye

2003-03-18T19:47:00.000-05:00

Deeper Inside Her Mind

I can’t help but think that somewhere along the line I made a mistake, that all of this could have been avoided. But I know deep down that it was meant to be, that nothing could have changed things. It is simply what, for one reason or another, I deserved. Now I must live with that fact until the end.
As time comes to a close, and the end draws near, I find myself looking back at the past. I remember old friends, people who have affected my life, my family, and many more. I think of how much things have changed. Memories haunt me. A past that was never fulfilled becomes the bane of my existence. A future that shall never be becomes my salvation.
I deserve is too have all these memories, to constantly think of them, to have all the regrets slap me in the face. I regret losing everything I have lost. Time, friends, the love of family. I regret my mistakes, think of how things could have been done better, done right. All to no avail, for I know I can change nothing.
Memories bombard me. The smell of roses, the sight of winding streets lined with houses, the bark of a dog, touch of a loved one long dead, boxes of darkened photographs, hours spent on a phone discussing what seemed so important than but is now so trivial, the way someone smiled, how they touched my life, petals falling from a tree like snow, promises made, sometimes never kept, trust won and trust lost, the sting of a hand across a face, the harsh words thrown out in an attempt only to hurt, the tears shed in frustration, the attempt to make things better only for them to turn worse, the flash of hate in someone’s eyes, the tone of their voice, cutting deeper then they could ever know, tears shed in secret, things done simply to try and help and protect others…all haunt me. All can creep up into my mind, unbidden and uncontrolled to run rampant and once again wreck their havoc.
Hopes, dreams, and faith once lived inside this heart, this mind this soul. Once, no matter how bad, there was hope things would get better. There was faith that what was lost could be found. Dreams…so many dreams of what was yet to be. Dreams that slowly became shattered one by one, hopes destroyed, faith lost. All that lies in this heart now is pain, questions, and darkness. No light lurks within, all light went out long ago, slowly, slowly, until nothing was left. No longer is it possible to care, to love, to worry. No longer are dreams dreamed, except for the dream of an end…a dream that is more a nightmare.
Everything haunts me as my time draws to a close. Who knows what each day, each hour, each minute will bring until that end. But each drop of pain, each harsh word, tainted voice, and hurt brought to this heart and soul brings me closer to that end. One can only wish that perhaps there will finally be light. But most likely there will only be dark. As long as there is no pain…anything is better then pain.

2003-03-18T19:46:00.001-05:00

Scared Alone

Mind of confusion
Thoughts uncontrolled
Feelings unwanted
Scared
Alone
Wanting to run
Blocked
Locked inside
No where to go
Slowly disappearing
Walking away
Leaving everything
Behind
Far away
All good
All bad
Detached
Scared
Alone
Fears overwhelm
Acting
No one knows
Easy to fool
Hard to find
Myself
I’m gone
Scared
Alone
Can’t be found
No one to look
Don’t let go
Not much farther
Soon will all be gone
Scared
Alone
Screams
Silent
Unheard
Nothing left
Inside
Just
Simply
Scared
Alone

2003-03-18T19:46:00.000-05:00

2003-03-18T19:45:00.000-05:00

Inside Her Mind

Sometimes I swear they all think it’s a joke. That I would never do anything. Just I’m just pretending, playing a game, getting attention. Damn, if it were that I’d make it stop in a second. They say I cause it, that I can control it. I can? Didn’t know that. I’ve tried. Never figured out how. Someone wanna tell me? Think I missed that class… Maybe they think that because I haven’t done it yet I won’t. Not true. Just by some miracle so far I’ve managed to stop myself. How long that will last I don’t know. I’ve always said you can’t live without hope, faith, dreams, and the will to go on. So what happens when you lose all that? Just give up? Guess I’ll find out won’t I? Sometimes I think they’re right, that I do cause all this and should be able to stop, I’m just too stupid to figure out how. If this is a game, I don’t want to play anymore. I also don’t want people to think I’m a joke. Pain is not a joke. Suffering is not a joke. I however, seem to be a joke. But I’ve missed the punch line, cause I’m not laughing. The joke will be on them when they finally realize I’m not playing games. All of them think this. And I say fuck them all.
Let them go about their lives. Live their dreams. Let them think they’ve tried to help. That I just messed up. Let them think what they want. Nothing’s right. Nothing’s wrong. It just is. But I know what they really think how they really feel. Everyone’s fed up with me. Let them be. I’d like any one of them to be me for a day. See how they can take it. Let them be me for a few days. Then I won’t have to kill myself. They’ll do it for me. None of them could take it, and they’d see it’s not a damn joke, not a game, not something I do, but simply who I am. I challenge them. Will anyone take my challenge? I warn you now… you will not understand me any better, for I don’t even understand. Your thoughts will not make sense to you. You will constantly be upset and looking for a way out. No one will understand you; no one will be there for you. You will be alone with your mind, my mind, and it will drive you insane.
Sometimes I want to lock myself up in my own mind. Block out the rest of the world and just go insane. Sit in a room all day staring out of windows, living in a world no one else can see. Sometimes ignorance is bliss. When the end is near, what which was once fear is longed for. I’m already dead inside except for the pain. Wouldn’t it be great if I could just make it all go away, just simply be? Not know anything not be anything…just simply exist. Only would existing even be good? Maybe to not exist, and to never have, is the key. But how can I make that happen? Only one way.
Come inside my mind sometime. Open invitation. Just walk in. You will be welcomed…as much as I myself am welcomed into my own mind. You will find many things, learn to think many things. You will feel pain, fear, confusion, and frustration. If you’re lucky, you’ll find you’re way back out. But I doubt it. Most likely you, like me, will become stuck in my mind. If you do find a way out, let me know. However, I think I’m stuck. There is no way out for me. Come inside my mind…you’re in for a wild, and painful, time.

2003-03-02T01:29:00.000-05:00

Mirror Mind/Mirror Dream

On the other side of the mirror
where real life is
watching it
try to cross over
to the world of wonderful life
out of the tortourous shadow of pain and despair
Trapped
Scream
Try to break it
moves like water
invisible to all but you
They find you insane
Add more pain
This life is all
Only a mirror dream

Have to break free
cry and scream
find razor blades
cut veins deep
Doesn't matter
Only a mirror dream

They can see you
from the other side
of the mirror
or so they claim
They hope to keep you safe
"alive"
when you've allready died
Only a mirror dream

So they lock you behind cold doors
trap you in
drug you up
tell you to live
there is no mirror
only in your head
They only lock you further
inside your wild mirror mind

Pills don't work
but they let you free
You know the way of the other side of
the wild mirror mind

Plotting planning day by day
knowing you have to escape from this
wild mirror mind

One last chance
one last escape
one last smash to the mirror mind
OD on pills
the ones to make it all go away
What's it matter?
It doesn't
Anything to get away
from this wild mirror mind
It's only a mirror dream

2003-03-02T01:16:00.000-05:00

Haunting dreams
life that could have been
forever awake
until time to finally sleep
without dreams
insanity creeps
pain screams
tears streaming
no way out

2003-02-23T03:39:00.000-05:00

i wanna

i wanna sleep and never wake up.
i wanna crush my life like a paper cup.
i wanna count to three and have nothing be left.
i wanna flip a dime and when it falls have there be only darkness.
i wanna dream and dream and have no reality.
i wanna have nothing and everything at the same time.
i wanna not have to worry about anything.
i want to fall out a window and when i hit the ground feel nothing and see a bright flash of light.
i want to fall off a building and fly. i want to hang from the ceiling and swing.
i wanna never have to cry again.
i don't want this life.

2003-02-21T23:24:00.000-05:00

Sitting watching
life goes by
try to grasp it
always miss it
slips and slides
wiggles and glides
Glass on the lake
reflects what should be
Inside the heart bleeds
eventually not to beat
Tears weep
drenching
the hand grasping
final straws
breaking, cracking, crunching
till nothing is left
Buried beneath
green grass
bright white daisies
wind blowing
clouds pass

2003-02-21T16:44:00.000-05:00

Alone

Cold winter's day
Wind beats
Snow piles high
Tall weak trees finally break
Fall to earth
No one around
To hear the sound

2002-10-23T17:22:00.000-04:00

Walking down an endless street
Everything’s dark
Everyone sleeps
All alone in the starless night
Shivering cold
Tear shining bright
Facades of the buildings
All crumbling apart
Looks as though they’ve lost their heart
Nothing good left at all

Continue on
Searching, searching
For a way to end
This painful walk
Been there for years
Each getting worse
Nothing to brighten the lonely hurtful street
Inside heart-wrenching sadness weeps
Into the mind desperation creeps
Everything must be destroyed
Must be escaped
At any cost, in any way

On the right an alley appears
Misty and clouded
No clue revealing what’s beyond
To stay on the endless street
Or take the dusky alley
Is a decision easy to make
The alley beckons
Unknown
Still more welcoming then the current path
End the endless pain of the lonely walk
On a barely there street
Turn into the alley
And fade instantly
Peace?

2002-10-21T04:17:00.000-04:00

My saving grace
In this time and place
Isn’t what I’d thought it’d be
Old ways
Tried and true
Fell through
Taking a chance
Taking a risk
So far steady
Keeps me here
You never know
When what will save you
Will appear
From the oddest places
Never seen
They can catch you
During a horrid dream
Keep you stable
Buy you time
Try to help you to survive
If I lose that saving grace
If trust is broken
If I'm allowed to crash
If it proves to be
Just not enough
I will fall from grace
Away from this place

2002-08-03T03:32:00.000-04:00

This prison you built
High walls
Stone gates
One small cell
Without entrance or exit
Things inside the cell are crumbling
Nothing but rubble
Hidden behind those gates
Guards outside putting on
a false sense of security
That inside all is well
All is safe

2002-08-03T03:29:00.000-04:00

Tell the story
sing the song
hear the rhyme
see no reason

Stand on the edge
Take a breath
Jump
Fly free
Away from reality

2002-07-22T03:18:00.000-04:00

The Last House on the Row

The lights aren’t on
All is dark
No place to go
Nowhere called home
Falling fading

A brick wall
Tumbling down
Buried in the ground

Open the solid door
No sound
So cold

The library
No lights
One book
On one lone shelf

Open the book
Brittle and crumbling
Yet new

Secrets of the past
Burn pages of the future
Bright flames burning low
Slowly going out

Till the story’s end
Comes thousands of pages
Too soon

In a back room
A bird trapped in a cage
Night falls on it’s wings

Rusty metal bars
No air
No key
Clipped wings

Blind folded eyes
Noose around it’s neck
Perched on a bar
Not knowing what's next

In the kitchen
A box in a cabinet
Nothing inside
Dust on the outside

Upstairs now
Many rooms
Only one unlocked

On the table
By the bed
Seven bottles
One of vodka

A light turns on
Sit down
On the chair
Reach for the table

The final fall from grace

Curtains close
Take a bow

The audience
In the dark
Slowly depart

2002-07-22T03:17:00.000-04:00

One by One and Five by Five

You there
Come with me
Step inside and see
My intricate mind tapestry

To the left you see my past
All shadow cast
Dark and merciless
When I walk they haunt me
All at once
And one by one
Just beyond, where you can’t quite see?
Those are the good memories

Over there to the right?
Dreams that never saw the light
They were attacked
till there was nothing left
Now they lie
As if in graves
I see them every time I pass

Over there a bit ahead?
Those are things that live in my head
Fantasies and things unreal
Nothing my conscience self
Ever would reveal
When bored or scared
I think of them
They’re five by five
When my mind plays tricks
I think they have substance

A bit left of center
Five by five
Are my dreams
Bright and flowing
I wonder if they will ever
Be complete

There….
Right there…
You see?
Those are my nightmares
Things that would kill me
Along with my past
They conspire
To take over
And set a fire

In that corner
Far away
Is reality
A place where I don’t often play
Something stops me
From getting in
The colors just aren’t as bright
As where my fantasies and dreams alight

Everything in the middle
Is kind of muddled
It is where everything combines
It makes no sense
Left to right
Right to left
Up and down
One by one
And back again

A small distance up
Can you see?
It’s a very dark space…
Where I can’t see
My mind has set me a trap
It plans to destroy me
Won’t show me the map
But maybe if you have a peek
You can tell me what it says
Then once I have it’s plan
My mind I will be able to defeat
And I’ll be able to stay alive

I hope this tour
Had not got you tired
Just outside there is a chair
I think they’ll let you rest there
I never get to rest
I keep moving….
Afraid of when the shadows and the dead
Will catch up and greet me
Causing the end
Go outside now
You must run
The shadows are coming
I will stay here in my mind
It may not be safe
But it is mine

2002-07-17T23:03:00.000-04:00

The End of Lady Lazarus

Lady Lazarus
Never rose from her grave
she was consumed by the pain
Empty inside
Filled with confusion
Riddled with doubts
Never able to live up to
Unreal expectations
Her writing shined brighter
told more
Then her spoken words ever did
Happiness gained
Came with too much expense
Side effects
and consequences
Finally
in one final blaze
She attempted to rise above
through death
She would finally live
Now below the ground
her spirit soars above
finally free